Banish February

Citizens of this hemisphere should take to the streets, bang pots and pans, shout and speak in tongues to banish the spirit of February from our lives. Maybe it sounds mean, but February is the month I truly hate. Every year I stock up on fish oil and SAM-E supplements in January because I think, this time, I'm going to beat February. It's the shortest month; this'll be a breeze.

But every year I get sucked in to the spirit-killing vortex of February. I wake up one morning a few days in and find that overnight, my head somehow got wedged up my ass. Gloom and lethargy prevail. A tractor beam in the house comes on and it won't let me go to the gym or anywhere else, really. I even get too lazy to drown my sorrows in gin.

Sometimes it snows in February, and that can provide some sorely needed novelty. But most of the time it seems to wait until sometime in March to do that, when you're over winter and ready to get on with spring. It becomes sickening to see the daffodils blooming in the snow. It's like getting the Etch-A-Sketch you wanted for you sixth birthday on your sixteenth instead, when you were really hoping for a car.

And sometimes the spirit of February oversteps its bounds and lasts until about March 15.

So those who can, participate in some revelry today, and be loud about it. Drive this wet blanket of a month from our midst!