Friday, June 15, 2007

Some Weird Ideas of Hot

When repulsive and attractive meet in the same package, it makes for an interesting kind of sexy.

On Thursday night, I went with Wyatt and Faye to the Empire Room downtown to see Los Straitjackets. This photo came from their web site. I’d never seen them before and when they came out in suits, ties, and Mexican wrestling masks, it was mesmerizing. They do manic surf guitar. They have choreographed moves and play with absolute precision. They rehash cover songs with such passion it’s like they’ve been buffed new again.

The wrestling masks remind me of the professional wrestlers I used to hate seeing on TV when I was a kid. The wrestling shows came on Saturday afternoon after all the cartoons were over, and they meant that not only was there nothing fun left to watch, but the day was getting old. I find wrestlers in masks repulsive. But when you put the mask on a man who’s wearing a suit and tie, it’s a totally different effect. It borders on tantalizingly kinky. It brings to mind all kinds of (totally theoretical, after all, I am married) questions. If you made out with, say, this guy after the show, would he remove his jacket or the mask first? Or something else? Would a mask like that be restrictive in the initial stages of smooching, and just when in the process of making out would it cease to be exciting and need to come off? If a man like that is capable of such precision and focus while playing guitar, can we assume those skills transfer to other areas, like in bed?

I guess part of what makes it sexy is that the mask conceals the man’s face – it makes you think, there’s not telling how good looking that guy might be under there, and that makes him more sexy than any good looking guy could be. A ski mask might have the same effect for other people, but to me that’s too close to scary. The wrestling mask has a sense of humor.

I’m mainly thinking of Daddy-O Grande, because he was on the stage closest to where I was standing. He's in the silver and blue mask. On the other end of the stage was Pedro Del Mar, whose Creature From the Black Lagoon mask is too silly to be sexy in my opinion.

A large man named Big Sandy performed in the songs requiring vocals. He was also a study in repulsive and attractive at once. A bit of a lardass with an obnoxious habit of slapping women on the behind, he had some really smooth moves onstage and he was a compelling singer. He came out into the crowd during an instrumental number and I was seized by an intense urge to sneak over and pinch his ass. But I would have had to get approval from Wyatt for that, and the music was too loud for such discussions, so I deemed it too much trouble. I couldn't get Faye to do it either.

It’s funny how what some people find repulsive, others find sexy. Years ago I was good friends with a graduate of the Barnum and Baily Circus Clown College. Since clowns scare the shit out of me, I made it clear I never ever wanted to see him in costume. But then he called one day after performing at a kid’s birthday party, and wanted to know if I had any Noxema because he needed it to remove his makeup. I didn’t have any either, but I offered to take him to the drug store to get some. Suddenly it occurred to me that it might be really funny to see the cashier’s reaction if he purchased a box of condoms too. I told him to put his wig back on.

My plan backfired. I found I didn’t want to be seen riding around with a clown. He didn’t have his contacts in, and he was so blind that once we got in the store, I had to guide him down the isle to the condom section. I sure as hell didn’t want to be seen with a condom buying clown. I showed him to the condom rack and was in such a hurry to get out of there that I sprinted right into large stranger and almost fell. I missed the moment when my clown friend plopped the Noxema and condoms down on the counter because I was busy apologizing.

After all that, he told me a really disturbing story about an old girlfriend: She was always trying to get him to wear his clown outfit to bed. He was horrified by the suggestion because in his mind there was honor and dignity and sober reputation to uphold in clownhood. He took his avocation as seriously as if he’d taken a Hippocratic oath for clowns. His refusal to experiment with the recreational possibilities of clown gear became a real problem in their relationship.

That story made my skin crawl.

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